As I wrap up an air tight presentation, complete with weeks of research, and flawless designs, he pauses and says… “hmmm, my hunch is that we should do it a different way.” My face starts to burn and I feel all eyes turn to me. I reply, “Is it also your hunch that it’s easy to be the only woman on this team?”
A few gasps slip from the lips of my colleagues and the room falls silent. We proceed to raise our voices and say nasty things to each other, all within the confined space of a sterile conference room. No matter what he says, my retort is sharp and personal. He’s sweating and defeated. I am winning. Everyone is mortified.
My eyes come to focus and I snap back to present moment. The fight above did not really happen. Well it did, but only in my mind.
This is what I like to call a mind brawl™. A fight that only took place in my head where I get to imagine my opponent doing something really bad to me so I can do the most evil thing back to them, but only because they started it. I am the victim, the underdog, but I come out on top because I’ve really taught this person a lesson about how evil they are. They change their ways, and I am the righteous hero. Fin.
The gnarliest, most painful fights I have had with other people usually occur in my mind during sleepless nights, long runs, long drives, or anxious walks.
This is a function of my brain, body, spirit, chemicals, or whatever mush I am made of. It’s not a subject I bring up in therapy or healing work. It’s not something I’ve vowed to work on with a partner or even with myself. I guess the person this affects most is me, and the results might actually be perceived as positive, despite the utterly consuming feelings of rage and anxiety that fill me during these mind brawls™.
These melodramas help me play out scenarios and feelings without having to bare the consequences of reality. I felt bad after I had this fight in my head. For one, I didn’t do research, the designs weren’t great, and I am definitely not the only woman in this scenario. I also belittled someone for no reason other than my own feelings of inadequacy. Thank god none of this actually happened.
I am a classic “in their head” type of person. I’ve lived a thousand lives in my head. That’s a depressing statement. “Why not just live in the present, you sweet little angel? Why not give yourself a break from yourself? Not that you aren’t wonderful, it’s just, it seems exhausting being you…” That’s a conversation I just had in my head with a friend who’s never been “in their head” about anything. You know the ones. Lucky bastards.
Back to my point. I live in my head. It’s also been described to me as living in the astral. I think the phrasing is more fun, and it gives me a magical backdrop to apply to my mind journeys; flying through space. When you live in the astral you also move at light speed through ideas and visions, which can be helpful if there is a conflict or problem to be solved. Astral thinkers usually arrive quickly at how they feel and what they want, which can be a positive aspect of this trait. The downside is that the thinking is not linear and you have to navigate many different scenarios and thoughts before arriving, and the journey is not always as fast as you’d like.
It never ceases to amaze me how limitlessly internal humans can be. Even terrestrial thinking friends have their own slower, grounded, ruminative inner dialogues. The challenge of living on this planet is finding ways to bring others along with us in our thinking. It’s exhausting. How do I find the energy to check in with myself, identify my thoughts and feelings, then try to interpret them to someone I don’t know or care about? How do I continue check my imagination against reality (the designs weren’t flawless!!)?
I seriously don’t know. All I know that I’ll probably keep asking the same questions over and over again, keep taking naps, and hope I can reach a place that is closer to understanding.
After my morning mind brawl™, I took a shower, ate a fist full of trail mix, took a deep breath, and shuffled my cards. Surprise, surprise, our little Six of Swords came out to play.
⚔️ Six of Swords
Transition, journey, change, release
Can you believe the Six of Swords has come up multiple times for me over the last two years? I have to research cards every time I pull them, no matter how many times I’ve studied them. I haven’t gotten to the place where I trust my own interpretations, which is one goal of this project. I hope that contextualizing through writing will help deepen my understanding of The Tarot, and provide a space for me to develop my own intuitive language.
Right, so back to the card. Every time it comes up I have the same reaction: the vibe of this card matches my mood. At first glance you know this card is moody as shit. You can’t see anyone’s face, and the angle of the bodies are hunched over in front of these steely, cage-like swords. The figure wrapped in a blanket seems defeated and subordinate to the route of the boat. Even the figure rowing could be perceived as a pawn in this routine voyage. Also, there’s a child involved, so you know this ain’t just about your feelings. Wherever this boat is going, you know you have to keep it together for something greater than your immediate comfort.
Right away, I notice swords make me feel some type of way. For me, they are violent, cold, rigid, and masculine. The Suite of Swords is said to map to the element of air. My sun sign is in Libra, which is an air sign, so maybe the reaction comes from a mirror of truth being held in front of me. It’s hard to admit, but I embody many traits of this element, especially the heady part #mind brawl™. A little more about the element of air:
Symbolically, the air element relates to knowledge, action, power, and change. It is a masculine energy that can lead by force and power, even though it remains unseen.
I love how this quote maps to the imagery in the card. The boat feels like it’s on rails, similar to a ride at Disney Land. A powerful current lives deep below the water but it dictates the course. The only thing to do is trust that it’s going to take you somewhere worth going. Which, I am happy to tell you, it will be worth it!!
The Six of Swords shows up when you are moving through something. You’re leaving something behind and you haven’t arrived at your new destination. The swords in the boat might symbolize the emotional baggage you just couldn’t leave behind. Looking at this card, it’s hard not to think, “what the fuck? why would you bring your swords on this tiny-ass boat?”. But, when they are your swords, they seem really cool and important. This card is offering you the gift of perspective, and asking you to let go of your stupid swords. They are heavy, impossible to pack, and no one likes them. Have the courage to leave behind what is no longer serving you.
This can be a pretty heavy card. Not just because of the swords, but because it’s calling for change. The Six of Swords asks you to leave behind who you were so that you can become the person you want to be. You're like a snake right before it sheds its skin. Transformations can be gruesome on the outside, but essential for your evolution. Don’t get caught midway through shedding your scales. Push through. You’ll be the shiniest, silky snake at the party when it’s all over.
See you on the other side of the river, or in your new scales? Whichever metaphor lands hardest with you.
Ssssssssssseeeee you next time,
xoxo
Ps. If an animal comes to my mind, I’ll turn to the Medicine Cards. It’s fun to dig into different dimensions of what we are walking through, and see how things connect. If we pay attention, we’ll see the universe is almost always offering ways to support us.
The Snake spirit is one of transmutation, creation, wisdom, wholeness, and understanding. It brings to us the knowledge that all things are created equal and if something is presented as poison, it can be eaten, integrated, and transmuted into something new, if you have the right state of mind.
“ If you have chosen this symbol, there is a need within you to transmute a thought, action, or desire so that wholeness may be achieved”